Creating

parce qu'on sait jamais.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:14:37 GMT

je m'auto-censure.

amen.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:15:44 GMT

ce soir je suis allée voir les cinq étapes du deuil. je les avais vues brièvement en soins infirmiers mais ça fait longtemps, ça date du temps où on était encore ensemble.
donc presque quatre ans.

les voici [merci wikipédia]: déni, colère, marchandage, dépression, et acceptation.

je suis passée allègrement par toute la gamme, pendant ces quatre ans, sauf la colère. comme je te l'ai écrit il y a quelques mois, je me suis finalement donnée la permission de ressentir toute la colère accumulée et fermentée, qu'elle ait été justifiée ou injustifiée.
pour faire un compte-rendu assez vague, je dirais que je suis restée assez longtemps dans le déni, encore plus longtemps dans le marchandage, et beaucoup, beaucoup trop longtemps dans la dépression, mais je suis tellement heureuse de me rendrre compte que depuis un bout de temps je suis passée à l'acceptation, malgré tout ce que ce mot peut avoir de corny.

thank god, finally. i can look at you in my mind's eye and say : hey, i liked you a lot. i was in love with you for a while. it was quick, intense, lovely while it lasted. it's a lovely memory. good luck to me, good luck to you, and god bless us.

bon, je sarcastise un peu sur la fin, mais c'est la joie qui fait ça... ça transporte.

découragée de la vie || blerh.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:50:07 GMT

what if i screamed my pain.
what if i painted my stuckness.
what if i drawed my loss of hope.
what if i teared my walls,
and scratched my walk.

i want to breathe normally,
i want my fantasies back.

i need to be able to look up and believe.
i need to be able to look out and see.
i need to be able to feel inside my self and feel
and be
and radiate
peace.

statut

Sat, 16 May 2009 21:07:18 GMT

Martine | s'en va voir la rue kétanou bientôt et pense presque pas à toi :)

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 02:05:15 GMT

vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide vide.

amaretto ?

et pour la quatrième fois, aujourd'hui.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:40:01 GMT

je sais pas pourquoi t'as cette habitude de disparaître.
ça doit sérieusement avoir rapport à ton père.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:31:09 GMT

le premier, ça en a fait quatre que j'ai arrêté de compter les jours avant mes fins de semaines.

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 11:28:09 GMT

c'est-tu juste moi ou la bande sonore de Slumdog Millionaire est complètement incroyablement magnifique ?

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 16:38:17 GMT

à noter.
to remember.

lorsque down. parler 3 minutes à véronique boivin, malgré qu'elle soit la soeur de l'autre, fait des miracles.

♥, ♥, ♥ .

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 10:24:24 GMT

1. I am now sitting in a communication center in Amsterdam, loving everything about it, how sore my muscles are from sitting in airplanes and airports in the last 20 hours or so, how lovely people in amsterdam are, how beautiful the boys are, how i can communicate with my bee, my man and my people anywhere in the world, how i'm craving my morning yoga, and how excited i am to see patrick again.

2. I grew up thinking i would change the world. I truly believed and planned that around 18 years old, I was going to move around Africa, South Amercia and India and build schools, grow sustainable gardens for people to eat properly, end child prostitution and soldier children, and adopt at least 5 orphans.

3. Instead, at 18 years old and 2 months, I left Canada for Nowhere with only my backpack and a desperate need to heal my soul from three painful love stories in the previous year. Ended up meeting another man, hurting myself again, until finally i moved in Brighton, England, for 6 months and met real family, angels sent from above. Re-discovered yoga, and learnt, by experience, that i could suffice to myself and needn't to go find my self-worth in men.

4. I have an endless and bottomless love, devotion and passion for yoga. I am the happiest in my life when i am teaching it. I feel just as if I am radiating light from every pore of my body.

5. I'm also trained as a massage therapist and people keep telling me I have an amazing "touch", and "energy", which doesn't concretely mean much to me so I'm still doubting my ability to give good, efficient massages and therefore i am still not working as a trained massage therapist. I will, eventually.

6. I love travelling. i could say it's my second passion in life. I love people and travelling is the greatest way I know to meet amazing, interesting, different, many magic people and to share a special moment with them.

7. Last summer, I bought this beautiful laptop of mine and it's my baby :) I love it. it's a very different one from all the grey or black ones i always see, it has orange and blue drawings on it, trees, samourais, a dragon and a ying yang sign painted on it, it's just beautiful. I think generally i am an internet-addict, because it keeps me in touch with my friends all over the world.

8. I have a very, very special link with my brother, even if i have a very special love for my sister and my parents as well. There is few people on this earth I feel as confortable with, laugh as much, and can share my self and talk this long without getting bored or tired. He is a very concrete reminder, for me, that we are all made from one material [god], and we just look different.

9. I love jewellery. I can spend hours in a jewellery shop. necklaces, rings, bracelets, I don't like diamonds so much but gemstones and african art are precious to me since it carries a powerful reminder of people (handcrafted jewellery, made by people with creativity).

10. Sailboats are very touching, moving things for me, I'm not sure why. I think it's one of the most prettiest things man ever crafted, I find a romance, a poetry to them and there is some grounding feeling that rises in my body when i imagine what it feels like to live on a sailboat, ironically. i think you have to be pretty grounded in the now and to the necessities to live on a sailboat.

11. I am a recovering chocolate addict. as any other addictions, it is a shameful addiction for me and i don't really like talking about it, even if it helps because actually almost everybody has it, since theobromine (addictive substance contained into the cocoa bean) affects everyone. It is an addiction not only socially accepted, but encouraged and regarded as a neccesity of life by many people i know. When i say chocolate addict, i mean really addict. i mean *needing* my good quality chocolate piece every day, or several times a day. i mean mood swings when i didn't get it. i mean lots and lots of money spent on chocolate !

12. I was pretty much a loser at school, being the girl with the french accent at primary school, then the bookworm, and then the girl that didn't know how to dress like a girl, until the loser label was pernamently stuck on my forehead; but i managed to not mind too much, thanks to the love and appreciation my family poured onto me and my ability to create close friendships, even if few in those times at school.

13. I ... have a hard time with small talk. I just realised that my random facts list is geting to be pretty long and intense if i carry on the way i started. so i think my 13th fact can be : i'm quite intense as a person.

14. I always wanted FIVE to be my favorite number because i love the sound of it, in any language i know so far, but everything with a three in it acquires my love despite any logic.

15. African Djembes are my way to instant heaven. My body just flows through it. i become the beat, i travel into it and it travels into me. i sweat, i bend, i jump, i twirl and i forget i exist, i just am.

16. Related to this intense dancing passion of mine || I had, quite young, rather large breasts and hips. And, quite young, I couldn't comprehend how suddenly, from loser full-stop I became this loser that boys and men stared at. And I didn't know how to deal with it, and I felt uncomfortable with it, and I felt weird and I didn't know how to dress within it and i just didn't know. that this was being a woman. So I learnt how to deal with men attention the hard way. by becoming this flirty fling i thought society wanted me to be, misunderstanding sex for love, disrespecting myself many times and hurting men and myself many times until i understood i *could* be loved for who i was, despite and regardless of my body (that was a year and a half ago).

17. I love singing. another passion. mantras (sacred words or sounds), inspirational songs, blues, soul, pop, rap, lullabies, harmonies, anything that speaks to my heart. i can sing pretty good but i can also get shy at how loud my voice can get when i give it its full power or soul.

18. I'm realizing, typing this, that I am a rater passionate girl, and it makes me laugh, because it does feel good to feel passionate, about anything.

19. I am not a good storyteller and that is a pity because I am a witness of so many funny, touching or interesting moments in my life, I wish i could share them in an entertaining manner, but i just can't. It comes out all jumbled and awkward and not in the right order, it seems.

20. Yeah, I laugh all the time. people constantly think I am mocking them, picking on them, laughing *at* them. but that's just who i am. I laugh -all- the time. about the most random, normal things that happens, and even i can't explain why i find it funny. I think what makes me laugh the most is when people take themselves and life so seriously, even if i do it sometimes, obviously.

21. I also touch people all the time. My love language is touch, what can i say. that's how i'm gonna understand if you love me, that's how i can tell you i love you. as a friend, as a travelling companion, as an acquaintance, as a bestfriend, as my boyfriend, i just touch to say "i love you". "i like spending time with you". "this is nice, I'm appreciaiting you". I'm the person that is gonna play randomly with your hair, massage your shoulders, give you a foot massage for no reason other than your foot is near my hands, or take your hand and just hold it.

22. I love women. I truly think they are the most gorgeous thing god created. Such complexity, beauty, creativity, strenght, wisdom, emotion and adaptation skills. i am not comparing, this is not what this fact is about, i am just stating that women attract me on every level. creatively, by their beauty, their intensity; intellectually, by their complexity; spiritually, by their wisdom and physically, by their sensuality. I don't think I could be in a relationship with one ever again, but I can understand fully how men can be -obnubilés- by them.

23. I really have to go to the bathroon right now and this 25 random facts thing is taking a very long time. I generally drink A LOT of water, all the time, because i love the taste. yes, i love the taste of water. meaning, i guess, that it has no taste and i feel so refreshed nevertheless.

24. My goal is to attain enlightnement in this life, within this society, evolving with and through the people. Yes, ladys and gents, i am an ambitious woman !

25. I am now going to find a spot in this airport where i can do a little yoga, because I just can't bear my unstreched and sore body anymore. this is, after a stop at the ladies bathroom, of course.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:24:45 GMT

j'ai besoin d'un sentiment d'appartenance familial. heureux.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:01:21 GMT

je tourne en rond, tourne en rond, tourne en rond, tourne en rond, tourne en rond, tourne en rond....

so much snow, so much snow.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:53:15 GMT

la neige est belle.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:59:47 GMT

twirl of joy.
ronde de bonheur.
-

c'est facile pour moi d'aimer.
de vouloir me fondre.
me re-fondre. à quelqu'un.
-

j'ai fait plein de yoga hier.
j'ai dansé un peu, avec mon coeur.
je sais pas ce qui le cause, mais la dépendance-chocolat explose, ces temps-ci. je la laisse vivre. j'ai confiance en moi.
dude, je me sens bien.

je me sens, peut-être pour la première fois, bien avec mon âge. j'ai 21 ans et je les sens. i don't feel like i have to behave any kind of way, to behave point, dans le fond. je glisse, je ris, je serre des mains, je trouve un milieu entre la séduction et le bien-être. je dérape plus. je suis toujours très alerte, mais je me sens des racines qui poussent, gentils gens, des racines qui poussent.

j'écris ici parce que ça me prend une place où écrire de safe. partager, tout en sentant que c'est pas le monde entier qui lit. finalement, je pourrais bien me partir un vrai journal écrit, mais je suis paresseuse. l'écriture à la main, c'est long.

bon. je vais retourner travailler moi. plus que 9 mois... et après c'est l'université. l'école des grands. ouf. j'ai hâte de partir d'ici.

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:05:24 GMT

dude, je me sens biennnn.

mais biennn.

au naturel. sobre. je file bien. je suis bien. j'irradie le bien-être.
vou-lez-vous être ra-dié ?

l'a-mour passe par-les ti-rets, ce soir ! pour se re-joindre. se ré-unir.

duude, je me sens biennn.

edit/explique: j'ai envoyé ma lettre, la porte est close; je reviens d'un social réussi, je rentre à l'univ en septembre, patrick et moi on est bien, je pars en afrique du sud dans 52 jours, et autres. ouiii, je sais. c'est beau la vie.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:31:06 GMT

je sais pas trop quoi faire.

à part ça, tout va si bien. oh, si bien.

La terre a tremblé, tel était son souhait.
Tu ouvres les cieux et tu respires encore.
Cette poussière de lumière embaumant ta plaie,
c'est l'étoile du nord entrée dans ton corps.

Alleluia !
Toi l'homme vaillant ,
t'es là toujours comme l'amour,
la vie t'a pris comme amant.

Ses lèvres s'ouvrent, ô quel fracas !
Lève, lève-toi.
Vas-y, vas-y
danser, danser, dans ses bras.

(Richard Desjardins, L'étoile du Nord)

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 03:17:29 GMT

mmm.
try to sit down and define yourself. in simple words.

i'm back with Patrick. so much love there. i broke up because of my co-dependency, which i control now, so i feel safe in this. we're still working on ourselves and our couple-related limits and self-definitions, but we like doing it with each other.

we're moving in together. again. i have a good feeling about this. separate rooms, separate identities. we need this now to not fusion again and lose ourselves into the meaning of the other.

work is not good. work does not define me. work does not uplift me. work is only comfortable. safe. work is good money right now. as of october 1st, i will be on a 4-days week and with this extra day, i'll be, more. I'll be. and eventually from this being will spring yoga classes and massage-therapy.

i'm still a bit hung up on the dj, the kid and mostly the poet, i don't quite know what to do with this. i try to let time heal, but there's not much to heal anymore. i've had as many closures as I needed, i don't know why i miss them so much. i loved them. in everything they are. i'm just sad that the misconception of my own limits and the misunderstanding of my needs led to complete separation.

saddhana is weak. the longing is so there, though. i'll work more on my sleeping early, to rise up early. beautiful morning hours. japji, breathing, yoga, meditation, relaxation. a rythm as comforting as the natural flow of breath. breath = life = grow = saddahna.

food is half-way there. i know what my body needs, i feel it. and i don't feel good when i don't follow these needs. fruits, vegetables, nuts, the more raw the better. it's hard to live in a society that gives you 10 isles of random non-food and 2 isles of fruits and veggies. there is so much space for lack of discipline. poor food = poor thoughts = poor saddhana = poor discipline = poor food, etc.

I also know, since a few weeks, now, that I deeply need a spiritual community that meets my beliefs. share my devotion with my fellow human brothers and sisters. pray together, talk, laugh, love, be one. just a place to meet people that think like me, and then go back in the ''world'' to work and make it better, more peaceful, more harmonious.

ong. creation.
ek ongkar. we're all one.
sat nam. truth is my identity.

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 20:02:23 GMT

j'arrive pas à me concentrer.

je comprends pas vraiment où je veux en venir.

imaginer. penser. décider.

j't'à court de mots. tsé ?
blah. je suis pas écrivaine.
j'aime pas ça, pas savoir où je m'en vais.
i'm a control freak, j'assume. dépendante affective, je me donne le droit. j'ai besoin d'un certain contrôle. poser les pieds sur quelque chose, tsé. je peux pas marcher dans le vide intersidéral.

si je suis dans un nowhere, je veux le décider, avant.
et puis, un nowhere physique, il y a quand même un identité qui m'appartient.
en nowhere existentiel, depuis une année, une martine se tanne.
une année, cal... .

dude ? j'qui ?

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:35:01 GMT

estie que je m'ennuie de toi.

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:43:21 GMT

j'ai une impression de barrage mental qui se rompt.
trop tard.
trop faible.
trop.

je ressens plus aucune limite en dedans.
men-chocolate-music-drug-coffee-men-coffee-drug-chocolate-men-food-affection-break.

break.break.break.

arrêtez la planète, je veux descendre.
sur le bord de me briser.

qu'est-ce que je fais ?
mais qu'est-ce que je fais ?

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:30:06 GMT

aufinfonddutrou,aidez-moi.aidez-moi.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:42:31 GMT

jemesensinsignifiante.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 20:25:32 GMT

tsé, je vais beaucoup trop sur ton livejournal.

tsé, je te parle beaucoup plus sur ça qu'en vrai.

tsé, tu me touches encore beaucoup trop.
par ta non-communication ou par ta communication.

tsé, quoi.

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 00:45:38 GMT

sometimes i feel that there is no use battling.
we battled for years.
should this be this hard ?
sometimes i feel like i want us to stop existing, because it's so painful.
but in those times i don't see anybody that could make me feel this happy to be alive.

tonight i felt your beauty, i saw it, i was a silent and weak witness of the universe sliding and twirling in you. i felt so sad. so sad that i felt so un-allowed of touching it, tasting it, merge with it.

i want to merge.

--

i have this urge to cry, this urge to dance.
it's the same, in my comprehension. in my feeling of urgency. letting go. letting myselg go. letting myself land in your arms. on the earth.

i want to touch the earth. i want to dace bare foot on this earth. feel the sun touching my skin. look at some eyes and see them smile back at me. i need honesty. shared love. lightness.

light. light. lightness of the air twirling and singing around me. lightness. lightness.

oh. such an urgency to merge.

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 00:37:52 GMT

Is there something I should know?
Something you won't tell me?
I can see it in your eyes,
There's nothing left for you to hide, my love.

Is there somewhere we can go?
Somewhere that we could speak?
If there is time, could we still find,
Piece of mind, some kind of love, my love?

But if you stay,
I know I'd throw it all away,
And if you go,
I know I'll find my way back home.

You say I give it all away,
Leave nothing to imagination,
Well it's all I know, although I know,
You don't want everything, my love.

But if you stay,
I know I'd throw it all away,
And if you go,
I know I'd find my way back home.

Stay,
Stay,
If you go,
If you go.

Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should know, my love?

Craig Armstrong - Snow